Why Caer Ibormeith?

Why?

1. I like mythology.  I like this story, because I believe in love.  With what is going on in the world at the moment, there is always plenty of room for love.

2. Caer Ibormeith is the goddess of sleep.  I wish that she would play her soothing music.  I don't sleep.  It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't.  I can't.  I know why I can't.  Someone very clever has told me.  I knew before I went to see him.  I only went to see him because I was off sick with 'fatigue'.  'Fatigue' was easier to swallow.  I returned for a day.  A nurse from work rang me and asked me if I was okay.  I couldn't answer her.  Couldn't speak.  Luckily, she didn't try and make me.  Instead, she rang the clever man.

Although I think that labels are best left for jam jars, I'll reluctantly accept that I am suffering from PTSD and a 'related' depression. Related sounds nice doesn't it?  It's not.

Unfortunately, I was involved with something properly nasty last year. It has been chasing me and has cornered me.  I have seen plenty like it before, but there are some significant differences with this one.  I can't go into details here as it has yet to go to court.

I have tried medication.  I have tried walking the streets all night.  I have tried drinking so much alcohol that I couldn't feel my feet.  I've tried putting my head down and wishing that I wouldn't wake up.  I just never went to sleep!

I'm going to try writing it down.  It is not self-indulgence.  Not today, the day after the bombs in Boston.  I am acutely aware of what is going on in the world, outside this little head.  The reason that I published it today is because I had to.  It has got to that point.  For a long time now, my favourite word has been 'tomorrow'.  'I'll do it tomorrow'.  Tomorrow has arrived.

In many ways, this man gave me the swingers to write it: http://eastbelfastiswonderful.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/darkness-at-edge-of-townthis-milk.html  We have a lot in common.  I could have written it myself (I didn't).

I am writing anonymously.  There are reasons for that.  Not least that, because of my job, I can face sanctions for what I write.  Also, there still remains a work culture of limited understanding of these issues.  I forgive you.  I coped like that for years.  I might again. Thankfully, people like Nathan are trying to change it: http://nathanconstable.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/the-man-in-the-hole-a-personal-blog-on-depression/

Some may know who I am.  Please keep it that way.  Please don't telephone or text me about what I write here.  I will tell you that I am feeling better thanks and hope that you are okay.

Why would I do that?  Because I used to be the clever (it's all relative) man that the nurse rang.  I'd help fix you.  I was good at it.  I worked tirelessly at it.  Spent years training for it.  It has been a struggle beyond belief to change seats.  At the minute, the properly clever man is fighting with me for it :-).

I'll let you know how he gets on.

Take good care.